About 2

My name is Tom

And I’ve got a problem: at the moment, I feel like I’m squandering my life.

Wasting my life’s energy.

I feel there’s so much more… So much more potential inside me that hasn’t been brought to the surface yet. That I’m not really living.

 

It’s frustrating

Here I am, working in some silly job in a factory somewhere. Having to wake up at 3.30 at night. Working in a fridge. At a high pace – I hate not being able to work at a rythm that my body actually likes. I’m having to force myself all the time. There’s no mindfulness in it.

And as a consequence of having worked in that fridge for years, I feel weaker now than when I started out. I developed this pain in my chest due to the cold. My lungs do not seem to be ablle to cope with the cold anymore. This has been going on for about 4 months now.

 

Potential inside

And it’s frustrating, because I know there’s so much more inside me. All these skills…

I consider myself to having at least an average intelligence. I used to be creative. I painted, I drew (until I got a brain concussion – I had to say goodbye to all my hopes and dreams then and reinvent myself.).

I’ve done a lot of building work, worked with children (teaching sports for the older, and games for the younger). I enjoyed a brief career where I gave massages in sauna’s and shiatsu massages. Currently I work at a wholesaler for organic fruit and vegetables.

Besides that, in the last 15 years, I have done lots of yoga, Qi Gong and Tai Chi, and have been meditating a lot (mainly taoist meditations, and some vipassana and anapana).

 

Dark night of the soul

Even though I have gone through a few “dark nights of the soul” in my life, I consider these to have been good experiences. In essence they inspired me to find more happiness inside me. They encouraged me to open my mind more, and to dig even deeper in myself.

Those were the periods in my life when I meditated more, and travelled more.

 

Qi Gong and meditation

I do a lot of Qi Gong. I meditate a lot. I love meditating. That’s when I get the most peace. When I’m just sitting there, I’m nothing. I’m just… empty. There’s no problem when I’m not thinking.

That’s what they say about meditation: that it stills your mind. And if you don’t think, then there’s no problem. Problems only arise when there are thoughts. If there are no thoughts, there are no problems. And that’s exactly my experience. There might be pain (if that’s the case) but that’s not a problem if you don’t think about it.

And all projections about the future, “oh I wish this, I wish that”…there not there when you don’t have thoughts. And then there’s no pain. It’s brilliant!

 

Inner and outer

But then again, meditation is only the inner part life, there’s also something that drives me to achieve things in “the outside world”. And that’s more of a struggle.

I still need to earn money. And I would love to have a house with a garden. Instead of just renting an apartment without even a balcony.

 

Rat race

And then there’s this senseless rat race, where you have to work fulltime, only to be able to pay your rent, food and car. It’s crazy. That’s not quality of life. I’m doing this job I’m doing now, but there’s no other job that I can think of that I want to do.

I want to have a higher income. So I can work half time for instance and do things I like.

 

Inner and outer flow

So that’s where I am, and that’s where the frustration is.

You see, when I meditate, there’s a flow. But when I go outside into “the world”, this flow is not so much there anymore (mainly when it comes to earning money and finding a place to live on this earth). Well, it probably is there somewhere, and it definitely has been there at certain times in my life, but at the moment, not so much.

 

So that’s what this website is about

Living the flow, inside and outside.

This is my way, and this is what I want to share with others.

 

Thanks for reading,

Tom

 

ps. Let me know if this is something you can relate to.